“As a lotus flower is born in water, grows in water and rises out of water to stand above it unsoiled, so I, born in the world, raised in the world having overcome the world, live unsoiled by the world” —Buddha
Aries: The anticipation will have you at the edge of your seat aries. Try to occupy your mind with other things, it will make the time pass faster. If you do it well enough, you’ll forget to balance and fall out of your seat, killing you instantly.
Taurus: Money troubles Taurus? Try growing new bones and selling them to bone farmers for extra cash. If you get good enough at it, you can use wholesalers.
Gemini: You insecurities are largely unfounded. In reality, you should be stressing over the set of flaws you actually do have.
Cancer: Spice up your work day by attaching electrodes to your nipples that shock you at random intervals. Nothing makes you live in the moment like the constant threat of sudden intense pain.
Leo: Spend some time with your lover to practice for your much larger international time laundering scheme.
Virgo: If the winter is giving you trouble virgo, try dehydrating yourself and grinding yourself into a fine powdered concentrate to be rehydrated in the spring.
Libra: The stars say it is important that you watch a couple documentaries on the history of metallurgy. The stars say to learn as much as you can about crucible steel specifically.
Scorpio: Remember at the end of the day, most problems come down to the material world. Take some comfort in knowing that most material things are not resistant to explosives.
Ophiuchus: Do not prepare to see your reflection in the window of a chick-fil-a today and be suddenly struck with the existential horror of being trapped in a phsyical body. The sensation will fade quickly as you enjoy your sandwitch.
Sagittarius: Looks like some spiritual inspiration is on your way Sagittarius! Specifically from the Orishan diety Oko, known for hunting heretical sorcerers.
Capricorn: The stars say you’ve been busy recently. Be careful not to overload yourself! Even spending time with loved ones can be draining. Try keeping a thermos of fresh blood with you at all times.
Aquarius: Overcome your social anxiety by joining the WWE. This is the only option.
Pisces: If you’re having trouble promoting your personal projects, try breaking into peoples homes and subscribing to yourself for them! Interact with the community! Illegally! At night! Without them knowing!